SWEDEN star Zlatan Ibrahimovic won’t be watching the World Cup. And he doesn’t think you should either.
“One thing is for sure,” said the madcap striker after a Cristiano Ronaldo hat-trick gave Portugal a 3-2 win in last month’s play-off.
“A World Cup without Zlatan is nothing to watch so it is not worthwhile to wait for the World Cup.”
This, of course, came just days after he was asked whether Brazil would be poorer without Zlatan or Ronaldo.
“Zlatan, of course,” he said, with characteristic modesty. “I do things with the ball that no other player can.”
With opinions like that, I’m pretty devastated he won’t be there. Football needs more players who talk in the third person and liken themselves to God.
But one player does not a World Cup make. So here are ten reasons why next summer’s World Cup in Brazil will be worth watching – even without Zlatan.
Cristiano Ronaldo
YES, Zlatan’s nemesis himself. Often accused of failing to produce for Portugal the stat-busting scoring feats of his saunter through La Liga, Ronny gave a perma-tanned finger to the critics with all four goals in the two-legged play-off v Sweden.
And he’s hardly let his country down. But for his 47 goals in 109 games, they might not even have qualified for the last few tournaments.
The fact is, Portugal are a bunch of bang-average divers carried single-handedly by one superstar.
With 226 goals in less than five seasons for Real Madrid, the guy is a machine. Less graceful than Messi, less charismatic than Zlatan, but when it comes to putting the ball in the net, has there ever been anyone more ruthless? Surely not.
At 28, Ronaldo is at his peak. By the time Russia 2018 rolls round he’ll be 33. This, then, represents his last chance to make a World Cup his own. For a man who loves himself as much as Ron, there is no greater motivation.
If his team mates pull their fingers out, We could be talking about Ronaldo 2014 the same way we remember Maradona in ’86.
Chile
OK, so they were only playing England. But how good where the Chileans? They swarmed all over us like tiny Inca ants, and in Alexis Sanchez have a bloke in the form of his life. And remember, that was on a cold night in England.
Then there’s Gary Medel, the Cardiff hardman. This a guy who has been tazered by police, sent off seven times in two years, arrested almost as many times and survived flying through his windscreen in a car crash.
“If people want to fight, I fight,” he said. “But I’m a nice kind of crazy.” Disappointingly tame in a Cardiff shirt so far, a high-pressure match for Chile should bring out Medel’s ‘nice’ side.
Games in Manaus
Woe betide the poor Europeans who get stuck playing games at the arse end of the Amazon.
With an average temperature of 34 degrees and humidity somewhere around 85 per cent, you’d probably feel more comfortable playing in a sauna. Paris in the springtime it certainly ain’t.
The games will be awful, but I’m looking forward to scarlet-faced Russians staggering around, the heat driving them into a senseless rage – a bit like John Aldridge and Jack Charlton in 1994.
Qatar
With their rich footballing heritage, no World Cup would be complete without the powerhouses in purple. Oh no, wait… I was confusing them with Brazil.
Greece
LIKE Hiroo Onoda, the Japanese soldier marooned on an island who fought the Second World War until 1975, Greece simply refuse to believe that things have moved on.
Nine years ago, Otto Rehagel’s men bored their way to the European Championship title with a succession of grim, backs-to-the-wall performances.
The plan was to play nine at the back, big Anglos Charisteas up front and – at some point in the 90 minutes – hope to win a corner. Amazingly, this worked three times on the spin.
Ever since, they’ve stuck to the same tactics, either failing to qualify or going out in the first round. But will they change? Will they hell.
Qualification came courtesy of a defence that conceded just four goals and an attack that scored only 12, with five of their games ending in 1-0 wins.
“We’ve tried to play a different way, by pressing more and being a little more aggressive,” said Brazilian coach Fernando Santos. “But really the changes were very small. An identity like that is not easy to change.”
It’s going to be great watching them get punished for their cowardly football again.
Neymar
I know Messi is better. We all know that. Well, most of us. “Now everyone is talking about Messi, but to be the best ever he must first become better than Neymar,” said Pele in a typically honest and forthright speech that was in no way tailored simply to whoever was paying him (Santos, Neymar’s club, during their centenary celebratons).
But we all know what Messi can do. He is a magician whose tricks we have gasped at before. He can only confirm his brilliance.
Neymar, on the other hand, can announce his arrival as the air to the Argentine. Like Gazza in 1990, this is the stage for him to take on the World, to detonate his box of tricks. First, though, he must learn to bear the expectations of 200
million Brazilians.
No Scandinavians
God, they’re boring. I watch England because I have to, not out of choice. And for the best part of 20 years, Norway, Sweden and Denmark have been like taller, stronger, crappier versions of us.
Zlatan aside, they are constructed almost entirely of sloggers from mid-table teams, usually in the Premier League, and haven’t had an ounce of flair since the days of Brolin and Laudrup.
They pitch up at every World Cup, draw with everyone, then slink quietly off in the round of 16 having left a lasting impression on absolutely nobody.
Now they’ve saved everybody an eyeache by not turning up in the first place. Well played.
Construction Mayhem
Will the stadiums be built in time? And if so, what are they made of? Concrete? Or crisp packets and duplo?
As usual when a World Cup is awarded to, you know, one of them backward countries like South Africa, we’ve seen patronising reports of how a stand caught fire after a worker dropped his tab, or how nothing’s happened for six months because those lazy Latino types are on strike.
Remember in May 2003, when we were told how Portugal was ten weeks behind schedule? A year later, they’d built seven – yes seven – stadiums for the same price as Wembley. Those foreigners eh? Couldn’t put a shelf up.
So for the next 12 months expect to be told how Brazil is going to hell in a handcart… only for things to run smoother than Bobby Charlton’s bonce.
World Cup all-nighters
The best thing – by a mile – about this World Cup is that it’s in Brazil. And no, not because it’s the spiritual home of football, the birthplace of Joga Bonito.
It’s because Brazil is two to four hours behind us. That means no sickies, no missing matches, no ‘migraines’ or ‘poorly kids’ to look after.
Games kick off at 5pm, 8pm, 9pm and 11pm our time. That’s a solid month of getting in from work and watching football until you go to bed.
Divorce rates may rocket. Obesity may rise. Hangovers may reach pandemic proportions. But what a month that will be.
Luis Suarez
One way or another, the Urguayan will do something. At the last World Cup, it was his handball on the line that denied Ghana a place in the semi-finals. The 26-year-old then caused outrage when – having been sent off – he wildly celebrated the subsequent missed penalty.
Since then Suarez has racially abused Patrice Evra, savaged the shoulder of Branislav Ivanovic and fallen over more often than Laurel and Hardy.
But in-between, he’s been the best player in the Premier League, scoring for fun and dragging Liverpool through games.
For better or worse, he’s worth a watch.
