THE ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF FOOT-BALL,BY DAVID SQUIRES, PUBLISHED BY CENTURY, PRICE £12.99,
RATING OUT OF 10: 9
THE Guardian cartoonist David Squires’ first book, The Illustrated History of Football, provides a wonderfully entertaining take on some of football’s big moments.
Squires provides a humorous and insightful journey through the evolution of the game, commencing with primal man and moving right up to Jamie Vardy. Well, maybe not so much of a journey then?
His 91 comic strips and complementary commentaries are factually correct but they are seen from Squires’ comedic, modern day perspective.
There are some hilariously funny takes on the formation of the FA, FIFA, the European Cup, the abolition of the maximum wage and the 1966 World Cup.
In ‘They Think It’s All Over’, he compares the distinctive rhythm of England’s brand of football with that of the Brazilians, Spanish and Germans.
“The Brazilians have the Samba drums; the Spanish, the confident steps of the flamenco dancer; Germany, the technically pristine coordination of synth-pop. England play to the beat of six sunburnt blokes in plastic bowler hats farting ‘God Save the Queen’ through dented brass instruments. As such, their football boasts the fluidity of a bowl of congealed custard at a royal wedding street party. This is England’s DNA. If you were emotionally capable, you would cry.”
Squires’ cartoons are not of the digital age but are hand-drawn and he still relies on glueing bits of paper together and using old school correction fluid.
The end product often bears little resemblance to the original collages. His skilled drawing ensures easily recognisable characters from real life and his caricatures are amusingly accurate.
The comic strips are often concerned with the darker side of football. With his acerbic wit, he attacks everything that is wrong with the modern game: corrupt football authorities; selfobsessed modern footballers and managers; corporate sponsors and so on.
Squires has the ability to come up with the sharp phrase, cutting through the pomposity that afflicts the modern game. He superbly lampoons the football authorities FIFA and the FA who are, of course, spectacularly easy targets.
The book is stacked with deliciously scathing put downs. For example, in ‘The Formation of the Football League,’ he attacks the self-interest of the current Premier League clubs.
“Members of the Southern League and northern leagues were incorporated in the early 1920s, creating four professional leagues that would eventually include ninety-two clubs. At no point did any of them demand putting their reserve sides in the lower tiers.”
Also in ‘The Great Innovator’ when describing the influence of Herbert Chapman, he takes time out to lambast the objectionable Piers Morgan.
“It took him five years to win Arsenal’s first trophy but there was no inter-war equivalent of Piers Morgan to whine like an entitled crybaby shitehawk.”
In ‘Bavarian Brilliance’ and ‘Bob Stokoe’s Red Leggings’, Leeds United take some brickbats,
“Leeds United supporters still seethe about the events of the 1975 final. They must have a case because if there’s one thing you don’t expect from Yorkshiremen, it’s a longstanding sense of resentment.”
“Leeds United weren’t always a club trapped in a bleak cycle of self-loathing, megalomaniac owners and journeyman managers.”
Squires creates delightful surrealism. For example, in ‘Follow That Star’ Jose Mourinho’s birth is seen as an immaculate conception and the three wise men are Ranieri, Benitez and Wenger. In ‘Super Subs – Denmark win Euro 92’, he creates Peter Schmeichel as a giant ink-spraying creature who defies the Germans.
His satire exposes the hypocrisy and self-interest that is damaging our beloved game and his hilarious cartoons bring some light relief just when the ridiculousness of it all is threatening to become too much.
Squires is the master of the football comic strip and this collection is recommended reading for enlightened football fans everywhere.
-Ian Aspinall
TONY COLLINS: FOOTBALL MASTER SPY, BY QUENTIN COPE AND SARITA COLLINS, PUBLISHED BY THE BOOK GUILD LTD, PRICE £9.99,
RATING OUT OF 10: 8
I’VE got to admit that I’d never heard of Tony Collins before I read this book.
I’m glad I have now because he had a truly remarkable football career, becoming the Football League’s first black manager when he bossed Rochdale from 1960-67.
One of the authors, Sarita Collins, is the daughter of Tony Collins, and the book has been lovingly pieced together.
The scene is set in the opening chapers which cover his early life as a child growing up in London, his school days and army life in Italy.
For football fans, it’s probably the folowing chapters where the book gathers pace as it covers his playing and managerial career. He never made it to the top flight, but nevetheless carved out a successful career as a winger with the likes of Sheffield Wednesday, York City, Crystal Palace, Watford, Norwich City, Torquay United and Rochdale.
It was at the latter that he really made a name for himself. After a spell purely as a player, he was appointed player-manager of the Fourth Division outfit for the 1960-61 season.
It was hardly a glittering opportunity as Dale were forced to count the pennies. There’s a story in the book about how one or two creditors sometimes wouldn’t get paid on a Friday.
“If anyone rang to complain to the club secretary, they would be told… ‘well things are very tight right now, so each week we put everybody into the hat and make a draw… and if you don’t stop complaining, you won’t even go into the hat!’”
Dale may not have money to spend, but they didn’t hesitate in choosing who they felt was the best man for the job – 34-year-old Collins.
Chairman Freddie Ratcliffe said: “We were aware that eyebrows might be raised because of his colour. But that made no difference, and we sincerely hope that it will make no difference in his career as manager.”
Yet who would have thought that Collins would take unfashionable Rochdale to the League Cup final in 1962. It was the first time a bottom division club had reached the final of a major competition and even though they lost 4-0 to Norwich, no one could take that away from them.
Collins stayed in his post until 1967 when he decided it was time to move on.
His next port of call was as assistant to Alan Dicks at Bristol City and there are some decent tales, like signing Gerry Gow and missing out on Kevin Keegan.
Then it was on to the mighty Leeds United as chief scout and working with the legendary Don Revie. One of Collins’ key roles was checking on Leeds’ European opponents.
Later, Collins returned to Bristol City as assistant to Dicks again – helping the club into the First Division -and also scouted for Revie, now England boss, at the same time. He was certainly in demand.
After a second spell at Leeds, Collins joined Manchester United as chief scout under Ron Atkinson, who was a big admirer of his work. While Collins got on well with Atkinson, he wasn’t impressed by his successor Alex Ferguson and it wasn’t a partnership that was ever going to last.
There are some good stories of players and managers Collins worked with, while there are also some fascinating scouting reports the ‘Master Spy’ made.
With plenty of family material too, this is a fascinating account of the life of someone who, now at 90, has lived life to the full.
It’s not going to be an award-winning book, but it’s certainly an account worth recording.
-John Lyons
THE FOOTBALL RAMBLE, BY MARCUS SPELLER, LUKE AARON MOORE, PETE DONALDSON AND JIM CAMPBELL, PUB-LISHED BY CENTURY, PRICE £14.99,
RATING OUT OF 10: 7
APPARENTLY, the Football Ramble podcast has more than 12 million downloads a year, so it was probably the natural course of action to launch a book off the back of it.
Marcus Speller, Luke Aaron Moore, Pete Donaldson and Jim Campbell are the men behind the podcast which ‘has established itself as the essential, independent voice of football punditry’, according to the bumf sent out with the book.
It means that when you pick the book up, you have very high expectations. And that’s perhaps the problem – while the book is entertaining and amusing in places, you’re expecting something spectacular.
With more than 350 pages, there is plenty to read and it covers a variety of subjects. It’s each to his own, of course, but I found the first chapter on the history of the game a bit heavy-going.
The next one, on the media, was more fun. Luke Aaron Moore came up with some great observations about pundits… and Sky Sports News’ transfer deadline day guru Jim White.
“He quite literally shouts and yelps his way through every single rumour, transfer and move whether it happens to be Cristiano Ronaldo heading to Paris St Germain for a record transfer fee, or Ryan Brunt moving from Bristol Rovers to York City on loan. It really is apocalyptic television in which every tiny incident is inflated to gigantic proportions in a bid to justify its own existence.”
His chapter on referees also has some material which will make you chuckle, especially his description of Mike Dean, which includes: “It’s impossible for Mike Dean to be intimidated by any big-earning superstar on a football pitch because, as far as he’s concerned, he is the only superstar in football, and that’s fantastic.”
The final chapter on grassroots football is also a good one, talking about the different types of players you always have in Sunday League football and the phrases they utter, such as ‘Where’s the talking, eh?’, ‘Nil-nil boys! Nil-nil!’, ‘Box ’em in!’, ‘Cuppa tea with that slice?’, ‘We’re making them look good!’
I’ve got to admit that I’d never heard of the Football Ramble podcast before I was told about this book. Perhaps it would have made a difference and I’d have enjoyed the book more if I had.
It’s difficult to say, but this book is good in parts and stodgy in others. It may well be that the podcast is stronger than the book.
-John Lyons
NORTHTOWN EXPOSURE, BY MIKE PEARSON, PUBLISHED BY OLYMPIA PUBLISHERS, PRICE £7.99,
RATING OUT OF 10: 8
THERE are tons of football books on the market at this time of year, but Northtown Exposure is a little bit different.
While autobiographies and annuals tend to dominate the bookshelves, we don’t get many novels – and this one is a really entertaining read.
Set in the late 60s, the book largely focuses on Harry Hare, an aspiring photographer from the Teesmade College of Art and Design.
He is granted permission by Northtown Athletic chairman Tom Burleson to follow the promotion-chasing team for some fly-on-the-wall documentary studies.
The somewhat green man with the camera doesn’t know what he’s let himself in for as he enters the murky world of professional football. And he soon finds himself drawn into much more complicated situations than he could ever have imagined.
With chairman Burleson becoming suspicious of his wife’s Anita’s off-the-pitch activities, the story picks up pace and there are some surprising twists along the way.
Author Mike Pearson writes with a humorous touch and the back-in-the-day feel adds to the narrative. There is an excellent cast of characters, with the likes of coach Dougie Peacock, ‘southern’ star player Barry Hutchinson and Harry’s pal Shirley all playing their part.
The book can be a little confusing at first because a lot of characters are introduced quickly, but once you get your bearings, it’s not a problem. You get rewarded with a fun story and some slapstick moments along the way.
They say to write about what you know and Pearson has worked as a photographer, so that was a shrewd move and a good way into the story.
The book does need a brush-up grammar-wise in places, but that doesn’t detract from the enjoyment. If you’re looking to avoid the sometimes mundane world of autobiographies and fancy a chuckle instead, you could do a lot worse than try Northtown Exposure.
It’s a good story well told and will give you a few laughs along the way.
-John Lyons
COVERED NON-LEAGUE, BY MIKE FLOATE, PUBLISHED BY NEWLANDS PHOTOGRAPHIC, PRICE: £19.95,
RATING OUT OF 10: 7 TO say Covered non-League isn’t your regular football book is an understatement – and there is a very simple idea at the heart of it.
It features pictures of football grounds on the covers of programmes, handbooks and other club publications. These can be a simple picture of the ground, an action shot that includes the ground or a team shot with the ground as a backdrop.
In 206 full colour pages, the book features 214 clubs and 294 programmes. The programmes cover a wide time span – the oldest going back more than 80 years – and will give nostalgia-lovers plenty of memories. Over the years, some grounds have stayed the same, some have been altered beyond recognition and, sadly, many have been lost, such as Hillingdon Borough’s Leas Stadium and Wealdstone’s Lower Mead.
This is a lovely book to take a flick through and lots of Non-League fans will love it. It follows on from Covered, a League version on the same lines last year.
But is another book of a similar ilk on the horizon?
Floate said: “Finally, please don’t ask me about a third volume as there won’t be a Covered Abroad book unless someone else decides to compile and edit it!”
-Tom Blackett
MATCH OF THE DAY ANNUAL 2017, PUBLISHED BY BBC BOOKS, PRICE £7.99,
RATING OUT OF 10: 7 IF you like a barrage of colours, then the Match of the Day Annual 2017 is perfect.
No doubt aimed at the children’s market, this is a bright, in-yer-face publication that has plenty to offer.
There are some cracking features, including 30 years of Lionel Messi, the Leicester champions in 2046 and the total weirdness of football.
Among other things, the latter feature pictures of ‘six fuzzy footballers with whiskerlicious beards’, including Crystal Palace’s Joe Ledley and Peterborough’s Michael Bostwick, and ‘three haircuts that should be put in a museum and remembered forever’ – older readers will no doubt recall Wolves’ George Berry, Chelsea’s Peter Borata and Colombia’s Carlos Valderrama!
Another interesting one is about who the next Messis, Cristiano Ronaldos and Neymars are going to be. We won’t spoil it all, but will mention that Celtic’s Patrick Roberts, on loan from Manchester City, has been chosen as the next Messi – no pressure, then!
There are some great player pictures that can be cut out and stuck on the bedroom wall and there is also a look at football across the world.
With quizzes, spelling tests and word searches, the annual gives readers the chance to get involved, too. And if you’re buying it as a Christmas present for your son or daughter, it might keep them quiet for an hour or two!
