Pull The Other One, Yaya

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Manchester City midfielder and professional cry-baby Yaya Toure has pleaded guilty to a drink-driving charge – but insists he didn’t consume alcohol ‘intentionally’.

Toure, a devout Muslim and a key reason behind the Premier League changing their traditional man of the match champagne to a knock off bottle of aftershave, was given an 18-month driving ban after being found over the limit in east London last month.

The 33-year-old released a statement earlier today to address the confusion surrounding the charge, but only aided in confusing the hell out of everyone even more:

“I have always refused alcohol. Anyone who knows me or follows football will have seen me refuse champagne for man-of-the-match performances because of my commitment to my religion.

“The matter has now been resolved in court on Monday. As I was above the permitted limit when tested on the night, I decided not to challenge the charge. However, it was important to me that I told the court that I had not intentionally consumed alcohol. The judge in his sentencing remarks accepted that I had not been intentionally drinking.

“Drink-driving is a serious crime and even though I was not intentionally consuming alcohol I accept the ban and fine and I would like to apologise for this situation.”

Yaya Toure is using the same excuse we all wheeled out when we got really drunk for the first time aged 15 and thought our parents were idiots and wouldn’t notice. Yaya Toure is one of us.

Quite predictably, the internet wasn’t buying Toure’s PR spiel:

Pull the other one, Yaya, it’s got bells on.

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