Oh my word, just marvel at this contract. Marvel at the words it contains. Marvel at the nice Calibri font – the BEST font – those words are printed in. Marvel at the aesthetically pleasing positioning of the pen; half teasing its way into frame, resting delicately on point nine, casting a small, fragile yet legally-binding shadow on the page.
Marvel at the human force of nature and goodwill that is Leicester City captain Wes Morgan.
We all know the banterous tale of big Wes getting his own limited edition bottle of Captain Morgan’s spiced rum after the Foxes won the league. How we laughed, how we giggled, how we overspent massively on purchasing said limited edition bottles.
Well, now booze behemoths Diageo, producers of the popular liqueur, have signed Morgan up as their brand ambassador, a role which contractually obliges Leicester’s skipper to do the following:
“Prior to ordering the beverages from the outlet, Wes Morgan shall turn to face the patrons, extend his arms to form the shape of a “Y” and shout, “There’s only one Captain Morgan!”
“Wes Morgan shall wear the Captain Morgan costume to parties should an appropriate opportunity present itself.”
Forget Trump, forget ISIS, forget Brexit, forget Bowie, Rickman, Prince and the rest: Wes Morgan is here to save 2016 at the last minute, dressed head to toe in pirate garb, flinging limbs into alphabetical shapes with reckless abandon and getting everyone completely and utterly steaming on spiced liqueur. MINE’S A DOUBLE, WESLEY.