White Men Can’t Jump: A Ross McCormack Tale

Ross McCormack has spoken out about ‘Gate-gate’, the farcical story in which the striker missed training with Aston Villa because he wouldn’t jump a fence after a faulty gate prevented him from leaving his house.

Villa boss Steve Bruce had disciplined the striker more than once for missing training, and it seems as though the gate episode was the straw that broke the camel’s back: McCormack was sent out on loan to basket case Nottingham Forest as punishment.

Luckily, the Scotsman has finally given the world what it wants – his side of this ridiculous story.

[quote]”The fence was taller than me and I’m not 4ft 6in. It was icy and raining. What if I’d rolled my ankle?

“It sounds far fetched but the gate was stuck… I had to wait for the company.”[/quote]

Good insight from Ross, there, though he speaks like a man surprised at the purpose of a fence: namely, being big enough to keep things (people, animals, extra-terrestrial beings, werewolves, stalkers) out, or at least be inconvenient to get over.

Fence-phobe Ross McCormack in happier, jumpier times

His quotes also have the air of a man looking for a convenient excuse. File ‘can’t jump over fence’ alongside getting ‘locked in own porch’. Real excuse, that, from a guy who used to work in our office. He could potentially still be trapped there, who knows, but that’s his own fault FOR LOCKING HIMSELF IN HIS PORCH. Idiot.

Back to McCormack. Done with talking rubbish about how ice, rain and fences are one of the biggest threats to humanity, the striker addressed rumours Bruce had come to his aid only to hop the fence and start a fight in the driveway.

[quote]”Some of the things have been a bit over the top, borderline embarrassing. It gives the press free rein to make up sheer lies.

“The stuff about the gaffer jumping the fence and us having a blazing row is complete nonsense.

“He came round to have a look at the gates. He didn’t stop. He didn’t get out of the car.

“You don’t get much signal in the house so I was standing at the top window on the phone trying to get it fixed and I’ve seen him pull up and drive away.”[/quote]

Ross McCormack, a wealthy professional athlete, is a man without phone signal and the ability to jump over things. Pray for his soul.

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